“Discovering Myself”
At 54, I had reached a turning point in my life. Experienced, thoughtful, and fully aware of who I had become, I realized one day that I didn’t have to settle for a life that no longer felt like mine.
I didn’t make this decision recklessly. It wasn’t a sudden move. I waited until my son was settled into university, living on his own, embarking on his own journey. And then, quietly, without drama, I packed up my things… and I left.
I had a small apartment, one I inherited from my mother. We had once planned for my son to have it, but at that moment, I felt that it was finally my time. He would figure things out. And for the first time, I could live for myself: freely, authentically.
The first few months were strange. The silence, the solitude… and yet, there was a strange lightness too. My ex-husband tried to win me back, reminiscing, making promises. But I no longer wanted to retreat into an old, narrow space. I was tired of living within those limited boundaries.
I began to rediscover the world around me. I learned how to be alone and happy. I learned to focus on myself again. And most importantly, I began to feel, once more, that I was a woman.
When my friends found out I had started dating again, they shook their heads in disbelief.
“Seriously? At this age?” they asked, bewildered.
“Yes. Because it’s not about age, it’s about how I feel in my own skin,” I replied.
Then, Viktor appeared. My neighbor. We started running into each other in the park. At first, it was brief chats, but soon the conversations grew longer. He was good company, a considerate listener. Slowly, his gaze became warmer, his voice softer. Eventually, he invited me to dinner.
I decided to have him come to my place. I wanted him to see what an independent woman could bring to the table—literally and figuratively. I cooked an elegant dinner, lit candles, and wore my favorite dress. I was nervous, but in a good way.
He rang the doorbell at exactly 7 PM. I opened the door—and was taken aback.
There he was. Alone. No flowers, no chocolate, not even a small gesture.
“Did you bring nothing?” I asked quietly.
“What, should I have? We’re not kids anymore,” he shrugged.
“Exactly. That’s why. Goodbye.” And I closed the door.
I stood there for a few minutes, furious, disappointed… and yet, resolute. Because I had learned this: if someone doesn’t even show basic courtesy on the first date, they never will. If they don’t see me as a woman, a partner, a person of value, then I’ll just be a convenient conversation partner or home cook for them.
Viktor, upset, started spreading rumors around the neighborhood that I was arrogant and would die alone. Maybe. But if I had to choose, I’d rather be alone than in bad company.
Maybe one day I’ll meet someone who truly sees me. Someone who looks beyond my face and sees my soul. Or maybe such men don’t exist anymore?
I don’t know. But one thing is certain: I prefer being alone than with someone who makes me feel even lonelier.